end of 2010 tasks

today i will attempt to dispel some of the chaos that surrounds me by:

• tidying the kitchen table
• raking through some of the layers on my sewing table in the hope of finding my spare camera battery.
• reading the craft arts mag that i bought last week and haven't cracked open yet
• doing some actual stitching on actual fabric - thinking of progressing my major handsewing project
• preparing for the customary sitrep and yearly assessment and planning of things textiley
• getting a grip and developing a demon eviction strategy
• emptying fridge of all dodgy 2010 items

midday update - kitchen table cleared, front room mantelpiece cleared, about to tackle sewing table - i may be some time...

after a bleak night succumbing to the demons i gave in and got up at dawn and have just been sitting drinking tea in the quiet.

sometimes it's too hard to be strong and resist and easier just to lie down in the soft sand and let them rage around you. let the contemptuous snarling washes over leaving traces of insults and stripping derision.

i did my googling and worked out how much tramadol i would need if it came to it - not that it would but it's comforting to know. it acknowledges the fragility and says actually you can if you need to. but i don't just yet and probably won't. at least now i can find words to push back the darkness.

and i think maybe the self-portrait quilt must wait.

self-portrait stage 1

at last some textile content returns to textileseahorse - limping but here.

the next challenge quilt theme is self-portrait which is something i have been resisting since it was announced - mainly because i've had a look during 10 years of therapy and didn't feel like going back and working through it in fabric. but i couldn't do anything else really, could i? i couldn't do something light and frothy that just described the peripheral.

so this self-portrait reflects the core, the unpleasant truth at the heart of me that drives my creativity, my work and my self. it also reflects the demons that torture me in the murk midnight - that are presently giving me a good kicking and making me wonder why i stirred up the coals of this.

but anything else would not be the truth. and you don't need to know the details - just look into my eyes and see what left deep black twisted scars that deform me even yet. the piece is based on these photos:

so far i have got to the component assembling part and am playing with the compositional elements.
 the photos are printed onto different weights of silk - the crisper images are on dupion and the blurrier ones on organza.

 

the disingrating piece was a not very successful experiment in transfer printing - not successful from a clear image point of view but gave me the effect i wanted.

the pieces with the dead mummified rat will be sliced up into irregular triangles but this gives a rough idea of where my compositional thinking is at right now - this may change as i was originally thinking of a straight landscape orientation.

we shall see

blood on the wattle

a couple of weeks ago my Mother gave me a set of Very Sharp Knives.

now i'm not usually accident-prone in the kitchen and rarely spill blood. but twice in the last week i have been merrily chopping away only to look down and see bits of me rendered asunder and blood pooling on the chopping board :(

 slicing into my finger last tuesday was bad enough

 but on cmas eve as i was briskly eviscerating an onion, the knife slipped and whisked off the top of my thumb. 

 i didn't realise the extent of the damage until i was being examined by kind dog and wilbo and we saw that there was actually a chunk missing. and by this time the onion had been swept into the pot and was frying away ready to receive the rice for the pilaf.

despite much poking and frowning we didn't find the missing bit so philosophically hoed into the pilaf  hoping that billthedog would received the extra protein ration in the leftovers.

and i have discovered how many things i do with my left hand

cmas day

happy cmas!!

 billthedog and i wish you all a very happy cmas and favvoloso 2011 - thanks for reading textileseahorse - i promise there will be some textile related posts coming up.

and now to write up the order of battle for today's cmas dinner cooking marathon. the menu reads thusly:

• mezze type things (pickled octopus, taramasalata, tzatziki, babaganoush, olives, hommous)
• chippery things for the kidlets
• slow roasted lamb with pomegranate seeds, lemon and mint
• crash-hot potatoes
• pilaf with apricot, pine nuts and dill
• roasted beetroot with feta, tomatoes and mint
• spinach with grapefruit and avocado
• panettone bread and butter pudding
• green and red jelly with chocolate frogs
• black sesame ice cream

at least i have made the jelly.... backson with photographic proof that you can cook cmas dinner with the top of your thumb sliced off

at the risk of being being dull and repetitive - ow...... i'm beginning to despair of ever having a full night's sleep. it's a bit like having an internal infant chivvying you to get up and walk around trying to soothe it back to sleep.

although the pain isn't as bad as it was last night when i was weeping with the pointiness of it the perpetual toothache in my back is really starting to get to me.  i'm not sure how well the epidural worked but i had hoped that it would be better than this.

and the middle of the night is a lonely place

cmas musings

it's the day before cmas eve and it feels very odd and unfestive. w and i are alone in the house for the next couple of weeks as the scrumpster and the teenagers are in vietnam on what was planned as a family holiday. you may recall that my dorsal collapse has dominated my life over the past weeks and months and was too bad to even think of getting on a plane....

add that to the recent redrawing of the seahorse/scrumpster electoral boundaries and things just don't feel like cmas as we have known it. on the other hand all is friendly in the seahorse/scrumpster alliance - just different and being conducted in different parishes - which all takes a while to get used to.

last weekend fa kiffy was put on notice that an early delivery was required and we had the traditional present scrum. the scrimmage included bizarre kitty money boxes,

 additional armoury (more on that later)

 and the evergreen viewmaster.

and of course there was the paternal duty of battery finding and insertion.

the next day kind dog joined us for the hunting and gathering of the cmas tree, hoiking out of lights, tinsel, ornaments

 and superior tat.

alex's nerf ack ack gun was pressed into service for cmas tree strafing

 note the nerf bullets as candles effect....

stop press

dorsal progress as follows stop put on own socks for first time in a month stop very pleased stop message ends

prone

sleep, sleep, so deep that all shapes are ground to dust of infinite softness,
water of dimness inscrutable,
and there, folded, shrouded, like a mummy,
like a moth,
prone let us lie on the sand at the bottom of sleep.
 

Virginia Woolf Orlando 1928

thanks to kind dog who has provided a small small laptop to brighten the invalid hours, i can blog live from the seahorsean bed to report progress in returning to full dorsal health.

as advised i had a cortisone epidural on friday which wasn't too bad as these things go but not something you would cheerfully rock up for every week. after 2 nights of morphine which didn't go close to covering the pain i was ready to try anything, including filleting. 

without wanting to appear churlish, my confidence in my medical team was rather shaken by being greeted by a nurse/underling who was very sweet but spoke just like mrs doyle from father ted. matters were not helped by the anaesthetist then coming in to get me to sign papers and dropping the clipboard on the floor and the third confidence boost came when mrs doyle asked me to lie on my back on the ct bed. when quizzed she admitted that yes the procedure would be better undertaken  if i lay with my back facing up, not down.

i clearly had a lucky escape as both mrs doyle and the anaesthetist expressed amazement at the end that i could walk......

one sorry arse

one thing you don't want to hear from your doctor is the phrase 'well you've really done it this time'

but i have - the disc that looked like this in may

 now looks like this:

well and truly busted. the disc between l4 and l5 has gone kablooey and there is ook seeping out everywhere.  which is giving me sciatica in both legs, pins and needles in my legs and feet, no achilles reflex and a generally doleful and sooky approach to life. especially as i won't be able to vietnam as planned next week :(

but the good news is that i will be having a cortisone epidural on friday and i have lots of lovely morphine until then.  so hopefully i might be able to dress myself next week... and even contemplate some textile artistry. perhaps.

acks and pharks abounding

i missed my blogoversary again! actually this is becoming traditional - i don't think i have ever celebrated or even noted the anniversary on the actual day. i'm not even sure when the actual day is...

 if i sound somewhat slurred of keyboard it's because i am drugged up the eyeballs - L5 is making its presence felt and is resisting physio and drugs/ so i am frogmarching it off for an mri tomorrow to plumb its recalcitrance and why i have pins and needles in both feet.... apart from the boredom of being in constant pain it makes you feel really really old and sooky. and i especially dislike being dependent on other people to help me get dressed. i had no one to help me with my socks this morning post shower and had to execute a type of modified highland fling to get them on.... oy enough of the kvetching

the other ackandpharkery is the amazing number of hairpin bends my life has swerved through over the least couple of months -  not all bad and some very good but still a bit dizzying.

i am deeply suspicious and resentful of change even if it's good change. but like the bear hunters, you just have to go through it. if i keep my eyes open and hold on tight all should be well.

and at least my pantry is in order

groping towards a self-portait

the next challenge theme is 'self-portrait' and as usual i struggle with the literal, the figurative.  as usual my piece will be knotty, oblique, not as accessible as it could be - but then an easy reading is not what i am here for - not even as a blogger

some hints and allegations: