after a bleak night succumbing to the demons i gave in and got up at dawn and have just been sitting drinking tea in the quiet.
sometimes it's too hard to be strong and resist and easier just to lie down in the soft sand and let them rage around you. let the contemptuous snarling washes over leaving traces of insults and stripping derision.
i did my googling and worked out how much tramadol i would need if it came to it - not that it would but it's comforting to know. it acknowledges the fragility and says actually you can if you need to. but i don't just yet and probably won't. at least now i can find words to push back the darkness.
and i think maybe the self-portrait quilt must wait.