Friday, December 31, 2010

after a bleak night succumbing to the demons i gave in and got up at dawn and have just been sitting drinking tea in the quiet.

sometimes it's too hard to be strong and resist and easier just to lie down in the soft sand and let them rage around you. let the contemptuous snarling washes over leaving traces of insults and stripping derision.

i did my googling and worked out how much tramadol i would need if it came to it - not that it would but it's comforting to know. it acknowledges the fragility and says actually you can if you need to. but i don't just yet and probably won't. at least now i can find words to push back the darkness.

and i think maybe the self-portrait quilt must wait.

5 comments:

Kit Lang said...

Oh Lisette. Do know that there are many of us out here who would miss you dearly and grieve your loss.

Once, many years ago, I laid down on the cool tile in the dark of my bathroom after having made arrangements for my life's leavings and "woke up" nearly a year later in hospital. It was a difficult and painful awakening, but even then, I was grateful.

I am more grateful now - having designed a life to love; a life that isn't necessarily easy, but is full in way that helps me keep whole. And I have found joy again.

I know you will too. Hold on. It's coming for you with open arms.

librarygirl said...

Darl. Hoping you've reached your rock bottom, and now you can start swimming to the light at the surface.

xxx

Janet said...

Oh Lisette, reckoning up the pills is a pretty awful place to be on the scale of sadness. Even if you wouldn't, being comforted by that feeling that you could, that's not good.

I do understand that saying that things are this bad is important and useful - hopefully today will be better. And the next day and the next and so on. Be gentle with yourself my friend and please holler if you need help.

xox janet

arlee said...

Lisette, Lisette, just keep talking to us. Please.

Caity said...

Gentle hugs. The tramadol equation is one I've worked out before, too - but somehow just knowing I could meant I didn't need to. Hoping your pain eases.